i would punch a child for taco bell
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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