I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.