..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
