Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Where is the hickey?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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