my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
