Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
