You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bang-toberfest begins!!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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