I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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