I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
