I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
