My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
