My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've blown a few things in my day
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
