I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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