i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
did i walk over a car last night?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
