so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
