Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
