Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
