I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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