help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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