if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
