I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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