Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She even gives head with a lisp.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
