my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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