Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
