its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i came on her dog
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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