I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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