I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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