I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
