maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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