i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
