Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
