You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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