dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
50% drunk capacity currently
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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