i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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