my phone needs a breathalizer
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
