those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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