so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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