Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
