I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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