I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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