If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
