and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
