haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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