I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
