I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
