Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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