Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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