ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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