textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
