I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm passing your future prison.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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