Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
