No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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