We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
