Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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