i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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