what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
