my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
