When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
